You were my greatest love. I loved you so much that i realised that i should be happy if you are happy even if i'm not the one. Even if i'm not the one who changed you, at least someone else can change you & this shows how much you like her, more than me. At least i know that you are happy.
I would always force myself to imagine that my brain is like a computer. And then, dragging a file named your name into the recycle bin & then empty the bin. I would force myself to treat you like strangers. Forcing myself to think like 'eh there is such a person in our school?' whenever i see you.
It always succeed for a week or more. I would be extremely happy and cheerful for that period of time. My life seems to be fine without you.
But who knows, the pain accumulated deep inside me, unknowingly. Out of a sudden, i would feel sad & depressed & i would break down once again. I would recall back everything, missing you so so so so much. Even thought of how you would react if i were dead. Will you cry? Will you regret? Will you be sad? Or will you just ignore? My cries are silent, and is the most painful thing ever. I forced myself to stop crying. Took a few minutes to sort out my feelings and tell myself i would be better after this.
Then, the same old thing happened. The cycle repeats. When can i ever get over this pain instead of avoiding it? When will i get love & concern from a special guy? This is not despo but its just that this feeling of emptiness is so painful. I don't even dare to allow people to enter my heart. How do i know who is willing to stay and mend my heart back after all these pain you brought to me? I can't trust, can't believe, can't love. When will all these fucked up feelings leave me alone? When can my happiness be 100% genuine?
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